Gracious Communication (Part 5 of 9)
Speaking Words of Encouragement.
Have you ever been in a situation with another person where you felt as though you could not win? That you could not please the other person no matter what you did or didn't do? If you have, let me ask you a question. How much did that person affirm you?
The answer is likely none.
Here’s anther question. Do others feel that they can’t please you? What about your kids? Co-workers? Roommates? Spouse? Family? If people feel that way around you, it’s likely because you offer a lot of complaint and not much affirmation.
I have been guilty of this.
A Personal Story
Years ago, I noticed that one of my boys was dejected and apathetic. He was going through the motions of school and sports, but his work and play lacked passion. I corrected him and told him to get with it. (You can see the trouble, can’t you?) He answered with a question- “why?”
He thought that no matter what he did, I wouldn’t be happy with him. He didn’t see a way forward in our relationship.
God was kind to me in that I heard a talk during this season about biblical affirmation, or “God centered praise of those who are not God.”1 I realized that I had not offered him any meaningful affirmation because I was so consumed with wanting him to be better. I corrected him in almost everything, but never let him know what he was doing well. I thought that if I affirmed him, he would get lazy or not remember what he should be working on… but I was totally wrong.
Biblical Affirmation is a Biblical Command.
Christians are to be people who affirm others. As we affirm others, we bring praise to God.
God models the practice of affirmation as he offers commendation to faithful saints. (Matt 25:23, 1 Cor 4:5)
Paul affirms even the Corinthian church (1 Cor 1:1-9).
And, we are told to build one another up (1 Cor 14:26, Rom 15:2, Rom 12:3-10, Heb 10:24).
As we encourage one another with affirmation, we are actually praising God for HIS good work in other people’s lives. God is the source of all good, so as you see good in others, praise God by pointing out his work in them.
God-centered Praise
So, how does this work? Do we just compliment everybody’s hair from now on?
No, it’s deeper than that. We want to be people who are both seeing and identifying what God is doing in other people’s lives.
When Jesus prays his high priestly prayer, he prays for us. Here’s one thing he says as he prays. “All mine are yours, and yours are mine, and I am glorified in them” (John 17:10). Jesus is glorified in his people.
Pointing out someone’s cute hairstyle is one thing, but that kind of praise does not terminate on God. Praising someone’s kindness to a small child is another thing because it’s the kind of praise that notices how soon is like Jesus. That kind of praise terminate on God and glorifies him.
There is so much more to be said, but I’ll leave you with two things.
First, if you want to read more, I HIGHLY recommend Sam Crabtree’s book Practicing Affirmation to you. Here’s an affiliate link. When the topic of affirmation comes up, there are inevitably lots of questions. This book is short, readable and actionable. I highly recommend it to you and your counselees.
Second, when I started affirming the good that I had been noticing in my son, our relationship changed almost immediately. He lit up and engaged in life. He worked hard and smiled more. But that wasn't the best part. The best part was that our relationship was on a path to life and not death. I could see a future with the two of us, one where we cared for each other rather than me trying to change and fix him. Our relationship is still so much better today. But when I noticed him down, I offer a word of encouragement that helps my son see that God is still at work and that I am noticing.
Part 1: Words matter.
Part 2: Words come from the heart.
Part 3: Humility is key.
Part 4: Habits are key.
Part 5: Speaking words of encouragement.
Part 6: Speaking words of mercy.
Part 7: Speaking words of wisdom .
Part 8: Speaking words of correction.
Part 9: Speaking the Gospel.
Sam Allberry, Practicing Affirmation