Gracious Communication (Part 4 of 9)
Habits- Practice Makes Performance
How you practice speaking is how you will speak.
You could probably do a pretty good impression of how your family members talk. They could probably do a pretty good impression of you. This is because we have habits, not just in our inflections and word choices, but in our tone and attitude.
How you talk will be how you talk. And habits start in the heart.
Our good works start with grace.
Gracious communication starts with grace. See Ephesians 2:1-10. Here’s verse 10-
[10] For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. (ESV)
Gracious communication always starts with a changed heart.
Think about it- who do you know that speaks graciously? Who in your life communicates joy in suffering, patience when being tested, and hope when trials come?
Who can speak with gentleness even when …
Who can respond with grace and dignity when being treated …
Who can display wisdom in the most difficult…
The person who has a changed heart.
God saves us in Christ, by grace, through faith. He prepares good works for us so that we can walk in them. Gracious works/words come from a changed heart.
Here are three habits of a changed heart.
The Habit of Worship- Matt. 6:21
What we love most will determine what we genuinely worship.1
What we treasure, we worship. What we worship directs our speech.
Our words will always be in pursuit of what we worship/want.
How to practice the habit of Worship:
Identify what you worship-
What do you have to have?
What do you turn to for a refuge?
What can’t you lose?
Now, notice how your heart, and the words that come out of your heart, are in pursuit of what you worship.
Are you speaking harshly to you roommates or kids? What are you after?
Are you manipulating the truth so that other will think well of you? What are you after?
Repent when you chase something other than God.
That pursuit is worship. Only God deserves our worship. We can pursue other things in life, but our pursuit should be in/through/for Christ now over him. Ask me questions about that in the comments.
Pray- Prayer is worship because prayer is spiritual humility.
Prayer is worship as we turn away from self and turn to God.
Pursue good things IN Christ, not over him. Prayer build dependency on God and submission to him. Pray and pursue God.
The Habit of Truthfulness
God’s word IS truth and it’s our standard of truth. (John 17:17)
Colossians 3: 9-10 “Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator.”
How to practice the habit of truthfulness:
Think truthfully about God- 2 Cor. 10:5
Stop complaining- Grumbling/Complaining Exodus 16:8. When we complain, we are not being truthful. The truth is that God has given us venting that is necessary. The turret is that God uses trouble for our God. Complaining fails to speak the truth about God’s goodness and purposes.
Think truthfully about others
Use charitable judgment.2 (Matthew 7:12, 1 Cor. 13:7). The reality is that we don’t normally know that whole story. People do all sots of things for all sorts of reasons. Like Ted Lasso says, but curious, not judgmental.
No matter how thin a pancake is… there are always two sides.
Tell the truth- Eph. 4:25 “having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.”
What is falsehood?
Lies- (Prov. 6:16-17)
Dishonesty- violating the command to honesty
Conflict between verbal and non-verbal communication
Exaggeration- (ie. always/never)
Disguising the message- Asking “are you thirsty?” instead of “can you get me a drink?”
Keeping a secret when it should be disclosed
Not voicing a problem (yet punishing for it) 1 Cor. 2:11
The Habit of Love- Genesis 1:27 and John 13:34-35
How to practice the habit of love specifically in conflict.
Love means seeking the good of the other person and communicating with concern for them.
Ephesians 4:25-32 is an amazing text on communication. Here are a few notes, though an entire book could be written.
Eph. 4:29 “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”
“Let no corrupting talk”
Anger- Eph. 4:26 “ Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the devil.
Use anger to solve problems, not attack the person
Venting anger is not helpful
Inappropriate anger can be demonstrated in ungracious communication.
Cutting off communication (crying, threatening, ultimatums, leaving)
Ignoring, slamming doors, hitting, grabbing, etc. (please call 911 if you are being physically threatened or hurt.)
“As fits the occasion”
Meaning- related to a specific problem (that specific occasion)
Deal with one problem at a time
Keep current in your communication. Nobody is helped by bringing up the past in a spur of the moment fight. If you need to deal with a pattern, wait for a scheduled time.
“That it may give grace to those who hear…”
- 6 questions to ask yourself 3
Do I have all of the facts right? Prov. 18:13 “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.”
Is it sinful? Is it hindering growth? Is my love covering it? 1 Peter 4:8
Is my timing right? (If you have to wait, treat each other normally until you can talk.) Prov. 15:23 “To make an apt answer is a joy to a man, and a word in season, how good it is!”
Is my attitude right? What’s my goal? Eph. 4:15 “Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ,”
Are my words and actions loving? Loving God, loving them? Am I prepared to love?
Have I prayed for God’s help? Prov. 3:5 “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.
HOMEWORK:
Consider the need to replace habits (in place of breaking them).
Which specific area would you like to target this week?
How can you replace the habits that currently keep you stuck and disobedient? (Think put off/ put on)
What are the prompts, reminders, verses, situations you need to target in order to change?
Bob Kauflin, Worship Matters
Ken Sande, Judging Others, Journal of Biblical Counseling
Kevin Carson, ACBC Basic Training Course
Love the connection to habits and worship!