Ask a Question.
Then Ask Another One.
“Ask A Question” was not the original title of this article. The REAL title included an additional four letter word that starts with D. But, my favorite editor, the one to whom I happened to be married, strongly recommended I omit that word. He is probably right, but my feelings remain. We REALLY need to get better at asking questions.
If you don’t ask questions, how will you know the answers?
If you don’t ask the subject of your conversation a question, HOW will you know their answer?
You won’t.
Here are three things we do instead of asking-
Assume. You could assume you know the answer, but you probably don’t.
Ask someone else. You could ask another person your questions. But talking to Meg is not the same as talking to Chandler. Talking to a husband is not the same as talking to his wife. Besides, most people want to speak for themselves.
Ignore the issue. If you don’t ask, less people talk. If less people talk, the issue isn’t as big??
When Should You Should Ask A Question
Are you making decisions or judgements for someone (including your church member or counselees)? If you are, you should be asking lots of questions. This is particularly important for pastors or counselors who give pastors information.
Examples-
Hey, we decided_________. What follow up questions do you have?
I’m thinking that we ought to________. What’s your initial response to that?
It’s easy for me to assume you _________. Is that a correct assumption?
I’m going to pass this along to Pastor Jason. Here’s what I want to say_________. How would you edit that?
Are you involved in a serious sin issue?
Examples-
Thanks for confessing that to me. WHAT ELSE?
Ok, I hear you. Let me say back to you what I heard. . . Now, what would you add?
Have you lied to me in this conversation?
What might I be missing or misunderstanding here?
Are you involved with someone who is seriously suffering?
Examples-
Do you feel okay sharing this with me? Would you like to move to a safer location or involve another person? (Side note- Men- if you are meeting with a woman, ask her if she wants another woman around… even if you know her well and her husband is in the room. No, I’m not kidding. Do it.)
What am I missing?
What would do you want to say? What else?
Are you involved in a multi-person situation but you only talk to one of the people involved?
Examples-
I hear you saying ________. How would the other person characterize it? (Then get permission to ask the other person for real).
What would the other party want me to know? or What part of this are you responsible for?
Thanks so much for talking with me. Do you mind if I ask (other party) for his take on this?
Remember, no mater how thin a pancake it, there are always two sides.1
Really, friend. If you hear someone say something about another person, and you need to act on that info or make a judgement call- check in with the person in question. People don;t share facts, they share interpretations of facts. Every. Time.2
I’ve been counseling several church hurt situations lately. Some are friends, some are formal counselees. We need to ask more questions. It honors a person to ask them for more, to really slow down and listen.
Maybe one of my favorite scene in a TV show pictures this really well.
Here it is-
“Most people have heard of the hit Apple TV+ series, Ted Lasso, in which an American football coach is exported to the U.K. to manage a British football team. In a particularly moving scene from the show, the protagonist Ted and the antagonist Rupert—the vindictive former owner of the team—place a significant wager on a game of darts. Taking his final turn at the board, Ted shares the following leadership lesson.”3
“Guys have underestimated me my entire life and for years I never understood why – it used to really bother me. But then one day I was driving my little boy to school and I saw a quote by Walt Whitman, it was painted on the wall and it said, ‘Be curious, not judgmental.’ I like that.” (Throws triple 20).
“So I get back in my car and I’m driving to work and all of the sudden it hits me – all them fellas that used to belittle me, not a single one of them was curious. You know, they thought they had everything figured out so they judged everything and they judged everyone. And I realized that their underestimating me – who I was had nothing to do with it.”
“Because if they were curious they would have asked questions. Questions like, ‘Have you played a lot of darts, Ted?’” (Throws triple 20).
“To which I would have answered, ‘Yes sir. Every Sunday afternoon at a sports bar with my father from aged 10 until I was 16 when he passed away…’”
“Barbecue sauce.” (Throws triple bullseye to win).
Somebody said this before me. Maybe Dr. Phil? The internet is not sure.
Tripp- he said this, but I can’t remember where.
https://www.forbes.com/councils/forbescoachescouncil/2022/04/08/be-curious-not-judgmental-a-leadership-lesson-from-ted-lasso/